Wrapped up in a "what if" bow.

I finish my coffee, kicking myself for having caffeine when I know how it makes me feel. I take 3 deep breaths, nope, still have that lump in my throat...I try it again, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out....breath in, breath out. It's still there, the heavy feeling on my chest, my body taking note of each heart beat. 

I'm actually quite proud of myself in some ways, usually the last few weeks of August are spent in denial and tears about my kids going back to school, this time the waves hit me one day before they go back, I guess that is progress, even if that feeling still rises. 

I question everything. Why can't I just be the mom celebrating as they walk through the school doors, why can't I stop feeling anxious so I could home school. Did I feel better this summer because they were home? Is counselling actually helping or is it the lack of schedule that I so crave? 

Why do I want them home? They fight most of the day, pester one another to tears, are bored beyond anything they can imagine themselves out of, and yet here I am tears streaming down my face and a heavy heart at not having them near me. Sometimes I wonder if my tears are for them or selfishly for myself, craving to be more for them as they learn how to leave us. Maybe the panic is that I want more time to fix my mistakes I've made in parenting, or it could be wishing life didn't phase me the way it does. It's apology's and could be's all wrapped up in a "what if" bow. 

I breath in, I breath out, taking note that even just writing about it has helped. I look around my messy house, peaches on the dining room table that need to be dealt with, the final clean out of my van that has been filled with beach bags, and sunscreen bottles I couldn't find the last few months. Summer was good, but It also felt rushed and filled with work. I take note of what I learned from that as I try to improve on it for next year. Did I give them all I could? Did I spend it on my phone while denying them the attention they craved? I guess that is motherhood, wondering what you do right and relishing in what you do wrong. 

I focus my attention on what I can change. I can put down my phone, I can tell them how much I love them, I can ask for forgiveness, I can push through the heaviness of motherhood and all it's questions (most of of the time.) I actually get to control myself, which is kind of new news to me. I GET TO CHOOSE MY REACTIONS TO MY LIFE. I have gone through much of life feeling sorry for myself, and I'm really so tired of being in that spot. So today I choose the things I can control, like how I react to a world that often hurts. 

I breath in as large as I know how, knowing that choosing my reaction doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I know what is coming this Fall, and it's going to be the lonely. I know it's time for me to walk in the wilderness (thank you for that Brene Brown) I am working through my pain, allowing myself to truly feel it, and maybe having the security of my kids around me is part of my fear in letting them go, I know what's coming and it's been so long since I've truly been on my own.  The only thing I seem to remember from bible school is "The pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." I have finally hit that stage, and I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to the pain part, I only know I can't stay in mediocrity. 

When fresh starts feel awfully stale.

I love to write, and have always stopped myself because I'm the person who writes "hear" instead of "here" and "to" instead of "too," and the embarrassment of that was enough for me to say "Nah, I'm not good enough." 

I'm learning to push through, I'm throwing myself out there when I don't have the answers and it feel pretty uncomfortable sometimes. I figure it's easier for people to relate to someone going through the journey, than victorious on the other side. At least that is what I'm telling myself. 

Fresh starts have been on my mind, we see it all the time, but I find September and January are times we tend to focus on getting our ducks in a row, and often it feels messier than we ever imagined. 

Fresh starts may not be where you are at either, maybe you are starting out your journey as a mom and it feels awfully stale, lonely, and anything but fresh. Maybe it's a big move, or a diagnosis, or starting the hard work of counselling and working through your crap. Starts don't always feel fresh, they feel raw, they feel heavy, and like anything new or that brings change, a challenge. I want to encourage you that, it doesn't have to be ok. We don't have to pretend the beginnings of change are the best, and that we are ready to move mountains that maybe in the end only get nudged,  but I do want to encourage you that the hard work is worth it, that out of pain beauty can rise. If I have embraced anything over the past few years it is that there is enough grace for little old me, so that means there is grace for you too.  Fall arms wide open into that truth. 

Take on the day with compassion for yourself, and see where it goes from there. 

Zucchini Galore

I'm sure it is written, that if you are going to start blogging about life, be sure to start out with zucchini recipes to get people interested, and to use cell phone images when you have full capability of producing pretty images with a dslr..Hook, line, and sinker.  

Every summer my dad's garden overflows with zucchini for us kids, and every year I forget some of the recipes we enjoyed, (so maybe this blog is also to keep me organized, It's pretty obvious I could use some of that in my life). 

I turned to my personal google,  (that being my instagram account) and asked people what some of their favorite recipes that included zucchini were, and here is what I they told me. I have only tested the lemon zucchini loaf, but I can assure you my reflux and I both thought it was tasty. 

Zucchini lemon loaf- https://hip2save.com/2018/08/17/this-lemon-zucchini-loaf-is-light-luscious-and-lovely/

Summer Squash Gratin-https://smittenkitchen.com/2014/07/summer-squash-gratin-with-salsa-verde/

Easy zucchini roll ups- https://tipbuzz.com/zucchini-lasagna-rolls/

Zucchini Cake- last but not least, I can't not mention my mom's zucchini cake. It's so good my sister even wrote a blog post on it a few years ago. 

Chocolate Zucchini Cake

Karinaloewen.blogspot.com

Prep Time : 20 min

Muffins served in:  40 minutes

Yield:  one 9 by 13, or 2 dozen muffins

Cake served in an hour

Ingredients:

½ cup butter

2 ½ cups flour

1 ¼ cup sugar (original recipe – 1 ¾)

4 Tbsp. Cocoa powder

2 eggs

1 tsp. Baking soda

½ cup buttermilk (or milk plus 1 tsp lemon juice)

½ tsp. Baking powder

¼ cup veg. Oil (original is ½ cup)

½ tsp. Cinnamon

¼ cup apple sauce (omit if making original recipe)

½ tsp. Salt

1 tsp. Vanilla

1 – 1 ½ cups chocolate chips (I’m just guessing – I just sprinkle it on top of the cake, or in the mix till it looks right!)

2 cups grated zucchini – peel first if you are opposed to green flecks (which I love!)

Directions:

·         Spray 9 by 13 pan (or muffin tins) with non-stick spray, if needed.

·         Preheat oven to 325° F

·         Blend butter and sugar

·         Add eggs, milk, oil, apple sauce, vanilla, and mix well.

·         Add zucchini and mix.

·         In a separate bowl mix all dry ingredients except chocolate chips.  (This is very important to do separately when making a reduced fat recipe.  You really need to be careful not to over-mix once you add the wet to the dry, to ensure a light and fluffy muffin – especially when the fat is reduced!)

·         Add dry ingredients to wet, and mix until just combined.  I believed I “pulsed” the mixer 6-7 times.  You can also mix by hand, and that works out very well too.

·         If making muffins – add chocolate chips now and barely mix them in J Scoop into muffin tins and bake for Approx 20 mins, until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean.

·         If making cake – Pour into prepared 9 by 13 pan and sprinkle chocolate chips. Bake for  approx 40 minutes, until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean.

I have found zucchini taste amazing covered in cheese or mixed with chocolate chips, it's basically the best vessel to eat the good stuff. If you have a great recipe you want to share with people feel free to leave a link in the comments below. Thanks for reading all the way through, I myself am more than happy to not have to second guess the spelling of zucchini one more time today. 

-Kyla 

Libolt Family

This session has been a year in the making and we finally made it happen! Since I'm not allowed to work in the states (which I'll be the first to admit is super frustrating with my job), they came to me, and we met at one my favorite places to shoot in White Rock. We essentially hung out for an hour, and I got to capture them doing what they do best, being together. After seeing some preview photos I received this text from them "Kyla, I can't begin to thank you enough. I am so excited by what I see already. Words can't describe how I feel....you captured us." This will forever be my goal. Everyone has a story worth telling. 

Amos Family

I'm going to guess that if you have followed my work for any amount of time, that you know this family. They have helped me so much in my business and this time let me take their images while I was being recorded on video, here is a hint, don't do this to people you love. It was actually one of the hardest sessions I've done (can I admit that)? And trying to teach and take pictures of an on the go family that knows me like a second mother, was not ideal conditions. But, they are done, there is love, there is life, and I can't help but love them because they all shine. A huge thank you to my sister and her family for making life that much sweeter, and for waiting for 2 months for me to finally finish editing your images....

Jimmie Family

We found a Saturday in Fall without rain, yay! And enjoyed a laid back sessions of exploring, running away from spiders, and capturing this beautiful family just as they were. 

I am loved

I truthfully don't even know what this is. I know that it's rough, and I know that's it's me. And I know it's what I needed to do for an hour of today. A big gulp as I share.

Embed Block

Add an embed URL or code. Learn more

Hall Family

If you are a photographer reading this or local, then you have most likely heard of Devon Hall. She has captured my family a handful of times, and I have had the honor of capturing her family a few times as well. 

Most people look at me with a confused look on their face when they see Devon and I supporting each other, as we could be seen as each other's competition, but I truthfully don't look at our relationship that way. I look at her as a friend, a mother, a talented business owner who is doing her own thing in a beautiful way. We both radically changed our business just over a year ago, and it has been so nice to call or text when we needed encouragement, or a kick in the butt to stay motivated to make this business work, enabling us to spend time with our own families and to give clients our best. I truthfully couldn't have made this year what it has been without her (and of course Dana Pugh's online business course...seriously, take it).

They ended off the session by remembering their sweet Libby by throwing some flowers in the River together (Devon's idea, with the same flowers they had at their wedding). An honor to be there for something so personal, and beautiful. 

Love you Devon. 

Purple hair

I go into each session with the goal and hope to inspire my clients and tell their story. This session was different from anything I've really ever done before. I spent the drive to it in and out of prayer, praying that I would get the session right, and that my photos would encourage Mel on her journey. Mel started chemotherapy this week, which makes these images her story. I see a woman of strength, a young woman with courage, who is brave, and who is boldly stepping forward into this next chapter of her story. Mel, you inspired me even in the short time we met. I love how you embraced your purple hair and were up for anything I asked you to do. I hope these images can encourage you along the way. Much love.